After praying allot I decided just to jump in head first. I will try to connect the dots when I can but for now expressing these thoughts are just therapeutic.
Rules
* Jesus Christ is my savior and He and only He knows the truth.
* No mention of names.
* BOTH parents love their children.
* My children need to know that I AM HERE FOR THEM for whatever reasons.
Divorce is terrible.
It brings out the most horrible character of man.
Man is full of sin and divorce fuels it's sinful actions.
God commands us not to divorce and yes I filed for divorce and it is an act again God.
I have asked God for forgiveness many, many, many of times.
I filed for one reason...to get my children back home. It was the only legal avenue I had to get them back into their home.
Oh our home...
There are endless nights that I lay in bed remembering the many nights I spent laying next to them reading them their favorite books like; Stinky Cheese Man, Juny B, Goodnight Moon, Brown Bear Brown Bear or any Dr. Seuss story.
Those endless nights when they were sick, or scarred, or just "couldn't fall asleep"....and they did in 3 minutes, as you sat at the end of the bed rubbing their feet.
I can still see my oldest bedroom; with her proudly painted bright colored walls, sprinkled with pre-teen posters. Her pretty drapery and fuzzy pillows on the bed. She took pride in keeping her room clean. That was a true sign she was growing up. One of many.
I can see my youngest girl's room with her pretty white desk all cluttered with hair bows, hair clips and hair ribbons. She had more over stuffed animals on the bed more than any one I knew. She kept her favorite books next her bedside. Juny B was our faves. She was my sports babe. She liked it when we would collect sports items together.
I can see my boys room; with their favorite books, sweaty pants and plastic toys scattered on the floor. On Saturday mornings after cartoons, we would rearrange the stuff (we never really cleaned. lol) while listening to songs blasting from the CD player - Kyptonite and Me and My Gang were favorites. I would an pick up an item and give it to little man who would then put it on his big brother's bed and visa versa. This was OUR assembly line routine.
Divorce is ugly.
When people are so hurt they will say or do anything to you just to ease their own pain.
Usually a deep rooted pain that you didn't cause but you were the closest smuk around at the time to get it.
It is amazing to think that somebody that you pledge vows before God, conceive children together and share a future can be your worst nightmare. How can it be that in one day say "I love you" with sincerity and passion and the next day be so selfish and up root and destroy a family unit all for their own benefit.
Tonight was my nephew’s 5th birthday. He was cute because he didn’t really believe he was 5 until he blew out his candle. I told him he could never be 4 or 3 again. He just stared into the candle for just a second before he blew it out. He sat and pondered those words with such deep thought. Smart little man.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is you can’t go back. I have celebrated only 3 of my 4 children’s 5 year birthdays. I missed my little boy’s special day and that saddens me, because you can’t go back.
Someday when we reunite, we’re going to just sit with a cake and candles. We’re going put a set of candles in the cake for every year that we missed together. I’m going to light’em, we’ll sing, and blow them out…and repeat until we are at current age. I’ll ask him with each new set, “What did you wish for that year, son?” He’ll just laugh and smile and say “I wish you were here that day with me dad…I wish that every year.’ At least I hope that is what he will say. I do miss him.
I missed his day, not on my account but by the sad actions that my ex denied me. It is just one of many days I have been denied a special day. Praise God that, that she can’t deny me those days in heaven. She has no idea of the hurt, shame and long term pain she has inflicted in those children. God help her.
It’s always hard to see my nieces and nephew. I love them, but sometimes all I can see are my children’s eyes in their little eyes. I love my brother’s kids so very much. At times they fill an empty void. That parental void that makes you wanna play games, teach them something new or hold them. You know that void that only a parent can explain. At times they widen that void, not on purpose, but so much nothing can fill it, other than your own child. I’m happy for my brother and sister in law. I give thanks that I am blessed to be a part of their little lives…but I miss my children. Happy Birthday nephew.